As some of you may recall, the Toteboard for the first time recently offered you, its loyal readers (or not), an opportunity to enter the prognostication game, by participating in two surveys in the immediate aftermath of the election. One asked for your short-term predictions, while the other asked you to peek into the relatively distant future. At long last, here are the results of the surveys:
Survey #1: Psychopathic Swan Songs
Although this was chronologically not the first of the Toteboard surveys, it is the one where we can actually see how readers performed. Beginning on 1/19 of this year, the Toteboard first asked the following question: Which of the following gratuitous acts of destruction will Trump commit before he leaves office? Check as many boxes as necessary.
£ Going Nuclear: Trump initiates some kind of military action against another sovereign state
£ Yelling “Fire!”: Trump purges any remaining administration official he deems as disloyal (and effectively leaves no one in charge of the government)
£ Pardon Me?: Trump commutes the sentences of both his criminal accomplices and random violent offenders, and attempts to issue preemptive pardons of himself and his family
£ Getting Crabs: Trump attempts to flip on his not-yet-outed criminal accomplices, in exchange for leniency or exoneration
£ Down and Dirty: Trump defecates on the White House carpets and wipes his ass on the curtains
£ Other: Specify any other horrible action the Toteboard has yet to consider
Here are the results. Note that the total will add up to more than 100%, as several respondents checked more than one box.
Going Nuclear: 20% *
Yelling “Fire!”: 20%
Pardon Me?: 70% **
Getting Crabs: 0%
Down and Dirty: 20%
Other: 30%
Commits Suicide: 10%
Resigns (followed by a pardon from Pence): 10%
Sends a hit squad to shoot Pence in the eye while getting a massage: 10%
* One voter specified that Trump might attempt a nuclear attack, but would not get cooperation from generals
** One voter specified that Trump would (attempt to) pardon himself and his family; another specified that he would pardon the Capitol insurrectionists.
So, readers overwhelmingly voted that Trump would issue some eleventh hour pardons for despicable people, and indeed he did: Paul Manafort, Roger Stone, Charles Kushner, Steve Bannon, Michael Flynn, various corrupt republican legislators, the ex-husband of a Fox News host, and too many others to list without feeling really, really dirty. And though he didn’t actually attack any other sovereign state, he did throw a few last-minute monkey-wrenches in to make Biden’s foreign relations job all that much harder. And we may never know about whether or not he took a dump on the rug, but it makes sense that he’d do to the furniture the same thing he did to the country. Finally, the Toteboard was very amused by the creative write-in votes offered by some of its more, uh, imaginative readers.
Survey #2: Back to the Future
The earlier of the Toteboard surveys is the one where we won’t know who got it right for another three-and-a-half years. Beginning on 12/15 of last year, the Toteboard asked the following question: Who do YOU think will be the democratic and republican nominees for president in 2024?
Here are the results, which reflected an interesting range of views.
Democrats:
Kamala Harris: 78%
Joe Biden: 11%
Pete Buttigieg: 11%
Republicans:
Nikki Haley: 34%
Josh Hawley: 22%
Mike Pence: 11%
Ben Sasse: 11%
Chris Christie: 11%
Eric Trump: 11% *
* The vote for Eric Trump specified that this would occur after “Lara has Junior poisoned and Ivanka framed and both of them in jail.”
And here are the Toteboard’s predictions:
Democratic nominee: Kamala Harris
Republican nominee: Rick Scott
And remember, whoever history proves correct will earn the prize of “lifetime gratification.”
For now, hopeful thoughts for the future.